This morning, I woke up next to my best friend.

This morning, I woke up next to my best friend. Not my lover. My best friend.

I'd like to apologize for my behavior the last few days/week. I feel like I have been lost in a world. And like someone this morning quite rightly pointed out. Even writing it on here wont fix the issue. But to be honest. This is a way of expressing the way i feel, kind of like a diary. I like the idea that people can see my train of thought, or see a little bit of themselves in my writing.

Today - I still feel lost. The hope of recovering from a feeling of loneliness and abandonment is still not here. IT will return soon and I will be back as happy as larry. To be honest, i guess im kind of selfish, my problems aren't big problems - people are dying - I am still living, but i dont know what this feeling is. It is in my hope - that I will find the cause of the issue and resolve it using feelings and writing.

This morning I even thought about painting. The way you can paint - draw a shape onto a canvas or material. The idea of self expression. When I was younger, when I was ill, i'd have this strange kind of vision... two grey squares and a dark rectangle. The two squares were inside one another, and then the dark rectangle acted like a door. The outside square was a light grey colour and the square inside that one was a darker grey. Whilst these boxes were infront of my face a force of a feeling of falling, everlasting, like a nightmare. This is some kind of expressionist artwork - isnt it?

Anyway, today I woke up next to my best friend, not my lover, my best friend.

I felt safe, I was still scared, but I knew I was safe. I want to apologize for my behavior last night. I do love you, You know I do.