Preliminary new Shoot.

This was the first shoot of this series, there are obviously faults and things wrong with the images which over the course of the imagemaking they will be fixed.

This is an image I feel is quite successful. The idea behind this - Fashion is an absurd way of expression. The way someone dresses i a way of describing their lifestyle. Over the corse of this project I want to experiment with this idea of the absurd and create images based on this first preliminary shoot.

Reading about Rankin.

"Photographs are a fabrication. All the hair and make-up and styling is a kind of fantasy in how the photographer sees the person. We create scenarios and use lighting, backgrounds and retouching to create an image that is heightened. It's not inherently real. But then, what you are looking for in photographs is something within it that tells you something about the person. That's obviously a subjective viewpoint. I guess it's quite arrogant of me to think my subjective viewpoint is reality, but if I see something that's not particularly attractive, I don't try to pull away from that." - Rankin

I live this idea that fashion photographs are a lie and they are just an interpretation recorded as a photograph.

The moment...

I think, after watching skins, the moment where you tell someone you love them... and the period where you wait for the reply... is the scariest moment ever.

Not knowing if that person will reply with the right answer. I think for me, i worry way to much, if i am to tell someone I love them, i hope for the answer 'I love you' back.

I think from experience, i have told one or 2 people that I love them, and from my heart have genuinely meant it. The time taken between saying I love you back was too long, this is why I am single now.

If I could tell a person I love them. The next time. It will be perfect. I want someone to feel the incredible emotion in which is held on you when you physically love someone. I miss this moment, I miss this feeling.

I'd love to tell someone I love them, that they mean the world to me, and nothing compares.

One day. I will.

This morning, I woke up next to my best friend.

This morning, I woke up next to my best friend. Not my lover. My best friend.

I'd like to apologize for my behavior the last few days/week. I feel like I have been lost in a world. And like someone this morning quite rightly pointed out. Even writing it on here wont fix the issue. But to be honest. This is a way of expressing the way i feel, kind of like a diary. I like the idea that people can see my train of thought, or see a little bit of themselves in my writing.

Today - I still feel lost. The hope of recovering from a feeling of loneliness and abandonment is still not here. IT will return soon and I will be back as happy as larry. To be honest, i guess im kind of selfish, my problems aren't big problems - people are dying - I am still living, but i dont know what this feeling is. It is in my hope - that I will find the cause of the issue and resolve it using feelings and writing.

This morning I even thought about painting. The way you can paint - draw a shape onto a canvas or material. The idea of self expression. When I was younger, when I was ill, i'd have this strange kind of vision... two grey squares and a dark rectangle. The two squares were inside one another, and then the dark rectangle acted like a door. The outside square was a light grey colour and the square inside that one was a darker grey. Whilst these boxes were infront of my face a force of a feeling of falling, everlasting, like a nightmare. This is some kind of expressionist artwork - isnt it?

Anyway, today I woke up next to my best friend, not my lover, my best friend.

I felt safe, I was still scared, but I knew I was safe. I want to apologize for my behavior last night. I do love you, You know I do.

New book project experiment. Preliminary shoot photographing a few different plastic bottles which I remember from childhood.

Right now - I feel like the world is falling down onto my head.

Today I feel like the world is feeling down. Around me there are lots of different people each with their own life. Each person has their own feeling. You see people who feel as happy and content as can be. You see people who live their lived day by day, each day holding a new challenge, but letting nothing hold them back or phase them.

I think the world is a mad mad place. The people in it with so many ideas. I want to be one of those people who is content with where they are. Im sick of feeling selfish and sick of feeling guilty for the feelings I have.

The world around me is falling appart. I feel around me that my friends could be actors - like the truman show. How do I know that my life is not just one massive story, in which people are looking in and seeing my up days and my down days. How do I know that what I am feeling right now is right? How do I know whats right and wrong, if i feel like im the only person who feels this way.

I'm feeling scared of my life, that im so out of control of my feelings and my actions. Im scared of who I may become, or who I may not become. I really want to achieve in my life, I dont want to be held back. But how can I when I dont even know if this is what my life should be, I mean, I am who I am but what if who I am is just a fake, the feelings I feel are just my imagination and some crude and cruel way of being shown how to understand something.

I feel like im ranting, and that none of this makes sense but i think that maybe by writing this down, someone somewhere wont think im crazy, wont think im a joke. I feel alone in this world, I know i'm not, but I feel like I am. Theres no-one I can trust. As soon as trust someone they backstab or ruin it.

I feel like I'm alone in this world. I feel as if im in this bubble and no-one knows how I feel. I feel like a mess, I feel alone, I feel I cant trust, I feel as if the world is falling appart over and onto my head, and I REALLY don't know what to do about it.